Treading water

I feel like I am treading water, sinking deeper into that dark place from which I took so long to escape before. I know what I want but sometimes I feel like I don't know or won't do what I need to do to get it.

I haven't felt this low in a long time, and I know it will pass with sleep, food, time, and honesty.

It will pass.

So if I have to feel lost to get where i need to be then that's how I have to feel. My body is trying to tell me something with migraine after migraine, if only I'd listen.

But still I lie to myself.

Be more Buddha. In the now, responding not reacting. Aware of me and everything I do. Do everything with total awareness and commitment whatever it is I'm doing.

I am a total junkie. There is simply and absolutely no point in denying, at least not to myself.

But still I lie to myself.