My story of addiction, desperation, despair, and recovery

If I tell you I’m an addict, what do you think? That I’m addicted to drugs? I was but that’s not all, it’s not quite that simple. I am an addict with no specific thing mentioned cause I wasn’t just addicted to drugs and I have the potential to be addicted to anything. Addict covers it all, the what is just the outlet, the release, the method used at a particular time to seek oblivion from myself, my head, my body, my world.

Im clean but I am still an addict, I will always be an addict til the day I die. Full recovery is never possible, there’s no certificate of cure, no course to complete. I am, and always will be an addict.

But I am clean. And, more important than that, today, as I write this, I have no need to use.

I started this on my 36th day clean. Why? Partly to help me understand myself further, partly to help others realise that there is a way out even though a way out may seem as realistic as me saying there’s a way for you to walk to the moon. After only 36 days my recovery has taken me to places I avoided at all costs while I was using, more than that, it has taken me to places I thought I hated and to places I didn’t even know I wanted to be.

What tomorrow will be bring I have no idea, but I know that today, as I start this I am clean.

Today, I am simply an addict who hopes that by the time she finishes it she can be clean too.

My Diary

[2008 December 1 20:26]
I don't geneally do regrets, often thinking 'is this something I'll
wish I had have done' when I'm on my deathbed, when deciding should i
do something i cant get motivated for...if I don't do this, it will be
something I will regret and it's not one I want to have

My Diary

[2008 December 1 19:53]
There is nothing as powerful as an idea whose time has come....